I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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