They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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