I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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