So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
