Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
