as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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