Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
