highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
