Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
