I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
