i was born a porn star she said
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
whose parrot is this?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
