You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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