I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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