I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
