Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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