Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
