You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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