There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
