I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
