the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
