Pappa wants mamma naked
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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