is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
