The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
