I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
