Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
do herpes really smell.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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