It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
