I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
