God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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