Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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