it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
