I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
