I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
