Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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