I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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