I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
