He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
