i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
