lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
