u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
