I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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