I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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