Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
