The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
