Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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