The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
