There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Randomize
