just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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