are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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