i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
