remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
